Andor & Candor
5 Years of Tea with HB
5 years ago I started this newsletter, a love letter in the hopes of brewing a communi-tea of kindred spirits. It started as a weekly musing, sharing my latest podcast episodes and reflecting on my favourite things, and then became a monthly update. This summer is the first time I haven’t published regularly, and I think it is a mixture of feeling unsafe as a minority in the current political climate where disabled people are being targeted and women’s rights are up for debate.
The purpose of this space was always connection, a way to socialise when I couldn’t get out of bed, a way to explore my mind when I couldn’t explore the world. I don’t know how to be authentic without risking my privacy and safety anymore. I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel connected, and often I don’t feel like anything I have to say makes a difference. I am tired.
So, I took a li’l break, and I am back with a question. If you say you’d ‘die’ on a certain hill, how do you feel about living for it? Spoilers for the TV show Andor ahead. Please watch first and then return– You do not need to be Star Wars fan, nor do you need to have consumed any Star Wars media before watching, though you’ll probably want to afterwards!
It’s the story of a rebellion. Of a monster that takes supreme power, fed by fans who do not yet realise they are victims. Sound familiar?
‘I believe we are in crisis. The distance between what is said and what is known to be true has become an abyss. Of all the things at risk, the loss of an objective reality is perhaps the most dangerous. The death of truth is the ultimate victory of evil. When truth leaves us, when we let it slip away, when it is ripped from our hands, we become vulnerable to the appetite of whatever monster screams the loudest.’
Andor on Disney+ & ITV
A stark, unintended effect of cancel culture is that those who refuse to be cancelled, those without shame, without a conscience, have risen to the top. They are the ones now leading us. I have always been fairly black and white about my principles. Of course I would die for what I believe in! But there’s really no of course about it, when we are unlikely to find ourselves in a situation where it’s necessary. There’s also less glory and change made in death than younger me imagined, the way to create lasting change is far more akin to the sea moulding a cliff face than bloodshed on a battlefield. So what does it look like to live our values rather than die for them? Andor’s double agent and a founder of the rebellion is asked what he has sacrificed for the cause, and this is how he responds:
‘Calm. Kindness. Kinship. Love. I’ve given up all chance at inner peace. I’ve made my mind a sunless space. I share my dreams with ghosts. I wake up every day to an equation I wrote 15 years ago from which there’s only one conclusion, I’m damned for what I do. My anger, my ego, my unwillingness to yield, my eagerness to fight, they’ve set me on a path from which there is no escape. I yearned to be a savior against injustice without contemplating the cost and by the time I looked down there was no longer any ground beneath my feet.
What is my sacrifice?
I’m condemned to use the tools of my enemy to defeat them. I burn my decency for someone else’s future. I burn my life to make a sunrise that I know I’ll never see. And the ego that started this fight will never have a mirror or an audience or the light of gratitude.’
Andor on Disney+ & ITV
I don’t want to believe that the only way change can happen is through using the tools of our enemies, but in a world where some have no qualms about lying and spreading misinformation, what tools do we have to combat such rife and unfettered panic-driven conclusion jumping? Maybe for me, living on this hill looks like continuing to write, making myself believe that these words matter to somebody, somewhere. Maybe it's enough if they matter to me. Maybe it looks like rest in a world that is not designed for me? What does it mean for you?
The Hill I would Live On
I dreamed of a blazing glory
Assassinated for speaking out
Battle wounds in hero’s story
A life someone would write about
Bleeding out for the greater good
Shot protecting a kid or a love interest
Sacrificed to be understood
Final stand in my lifelong quest
Dying on a hill for your morals
well that’s one thing
But would you climb it every day instead? That’s nothing —
Except
I no longer wanna be a martyr
Stay alive, make the change, watch it grow
And the gardens and sunrises, we might never see
But, still. They won’t exist without you and me
Don’t die for your future. Don’t die for your desire:
Live for the hope of it all! Burn, catch fire
